It has been a while since I have blogged; apologies for that, if it makes any difference to you.
I still haven’t exactly established exactly what it is that I am trying to do here, which makes it somewhat difficult to do. And so I keep putting it off. Sometimes... I think it would be a good place to store odd and quirky thoughts; but then I come to think that the actual unusual thoughts I have will end up beingeclipsed by the desire to be odd and quirky. So at other times I try and be as uncontrived as I can (is that possible? to try and be uoncontrived?) and I think I will just write what I am doing. And then that is all too samey and boring, and I think I will try and be funny, and well that just doesn’t work, so I try and be profound and poof that backfired too so here I am this time just floating on my thoughts of the moment. Check when I last revised it to see how long I can leave unstructured thoughts flying around!! Nyyyahhh.
Have just been to the pub with cell-mates (of the non prison variety) which was fun (very amazing individuals, I do think); though today I have been generally feeling ‘flannel-like’ which is my preferred adjective for that slightly limp and flat and energy-less-ness, though I don’t know why this is the case because generally things are going quite well. In the scheme of things. It’s the end of term, no pressure in nearly any form and I have a bit of a creative burst going on. The latter makes me very happy. Maybe it is because I have been watching films and reading and thinking lots; it means that there is a constant stream of visual images in my head and ideas, some of which I then want to write stories about; the sum effect is feeling very interested in everything and full. Although this afternoon when I retreated for some creative time I just fell asleep which was sad but perhaps necessary. I guess I’m emotionally still (perpetually?) quite all over the place, and I find this very unnerving (although wonderful and good and real at times) – it’s just that NOTHING fits easily into category names and things can change so
much from one minute to the next. How confusing! I used to thinkthat emotions were just the fluffy edges on thoughts, now I have no idea. Even if they are technically a part of us they seem to have a life of their own and be quite capable of disrupting anything and everything at
a moment’s notice. What a to-do. What are they, after all? Are they really really necessary?
Anyway, above all, what I want to do at this present moment is to go to Scotland. I have been really desperate to go for a couple of weeks now. Not sure why. The mountains, the wildness, the space, the beauty…. Open fires and roasted chestnuts in a wee little cottage in the highlands near a castle and a loch - can I go, can I go???
