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onceuponatime
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chapter 13 - Beth
Today I was thinking about my sister again. When I look at her photo and see her eyes it feels like my heart sinks out of me, like something has slipped from my hand. Tomorrow is her anniversary, it will be nineteen years. It still hurts. I feel like she isstill there, somewhere, hiding. If only I could find her again.
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29.10.05 01:16
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chapter 14 - one week of anarchy
On the challenge of a friend, I have given up all my timetables (including the exciting sticker one) for ONE WEEK, starting yesterday. The reason I am taking my friend's advice is that I can see that there is a bigger, realer,
brain-shatteringly explosive freedom out there, and that God wants it for me. Sometimes I can feel it there. It feels alive and it bubbles up like laughter but it also feels unsafe. There's been a constant push-and-pull this past few weeks - whatever it is is closer at hand, but I'm more and more frantic about not letting go.
So, then, all of a sudden, on something between a whim and a grain of trust, this is me saying yes please I do want it, even if I don't technically believe yet that it can work. I secretly feel that the world just might dissolve into a chaotic mush of amoeba... we shall see.
I thought here might be a good place to record some of the highs and lows of the week...
Day 1 - was yesterday, Friday. I liked it. The times with people felt a bit more full and it was easier to laugh. I was disappointed twice, got to read some of a good book (Life of Pi), and went to bed too late.
Day 2 - Is where the fun begins. Trying not to worry about yet another late night I decided to actually get some sleep and have an unusually leisurely morning. Deliberately didn't look in my diary before going to bed. Was thus mightily surprised, when, casually munching (not exactly munching, more like smulching isn't it) my porridge (yummy and warming) in my pyjamas (me in my pyjamas not my porridge), bleary eyed minus contact lenses around 10am when a knock sounds at the door and in walks a nicely dressed complete stranger. And shortly after, another one. Oh deario. So I forgot about the students coming to see me to chat about volunteering in the autism groups...
But you know what, it was actually all ok. I went and put some clothes on and pretended to be official and nobody died. That's good.
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30.10.05 01:12
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